by Linda Kondracki

The sense that “I belong in this family” is not something children automatically feel. Rather, it is something we orchestrate for them as we give our children a sense of their family history.
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Eleven year old Jason was crying. His dad had just told the family he was moving out of the house to live somewhere else. “I can never go to school again,” he said through his tears.
“Why not?” Dad wanted to know.
“Because all the kids will think I’m different,” came the reply.
Dad wasn’t convinced. “Jason,” he asked, “how many kids in your class have parents who are divorced? He waited while Jason named eleven kids in his class of 25 students. “There,” Dad consoled, “you aren’t different. Lots of kids have parents who are divorced.”
“I don’t care,” Jason wailed. “All the kids will think I’m different because I don’t have a family anymore!”

Eight year old Jenny had been very quiet and withdrawn for several days. Finally, she asked her Mom, “Why don’t we ever see Grandma and Grandpa anymore?”
Mom looked at her daughter with sadness. “Remember how I told you before that some things happened when I was a little girl that hurt me very much? Until we can work it all out, it’s better for us to stay away from each other. I’m sorry you are missing them so much.”
Jenny hugged her teddy bear closer. “Mom,” she asked timidly, “when I grow up, is that going to happen to you and me, too?”

Belonging is a basic human need, and the place children learn about belonging is in their families. The issue of belonging to the family is really one of building positive bonds of attachment to each other – a healthy aspect of family life. Unfortunately, we are living in a time when children’s sense of belonging in their families is very often seriously damaged by the emotional trauma so rampant in our society today. I’ll never forget one seven year old girl’s response in one of our Confident Kids support groups: “How can your family be a place where you belong,” she asked timidly, “when your Daddy says he hates you?”

Parents in recovery must deal with the reality that one of the primary ways we help our children develop healthy attachments is by helping them understand their family history. The problem arises when parents who suffered damaged or severed family relationships want to protect their children from their past history rather than talk about it openly. However, parents in recovery also know better than anyone else that it is only by understanding our past history of family relationships – both positive and negative – that we can create healthy ones in the future. Although the following suggestions may be hard for your to do, they will help you accomplish that goal.

Activity: Celebrate Your Family History
Keeping connected to your family history takes intentional work. Set aside a specific time to do one or more of the following:


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